It helps to write it down

Or so I’ve heard.

So here I go. Better out than in I suppose.

I’m static standing in the same place everyday,

It’s just me and these four walls, sometimes I want to run or scream for help -but I don’t.

Sometimes it’s as though it would just be easier to make doors out of windows -but I don’t.

I’m just there, watching from a screen and making an appearance at life.

And it really is a sinking feeling, and I don’t know what stops me from doing something- but I don’t.

I’m unmotivated, unsure and anxious and scared about everything, moving on, staying here, and life

I’m so afraid of life.

I’m scared I’ll fail again so I don’t try

It’s not right but it’s easier

The days seem meaningless, everything seems so pointless

I’ve even thought about not waking up, letting my body just shut down like it wants to, lie and hope that someone comes looking for me.

There’s a million fears but the crippling one that keeps me from sleeping is being alone- for the rest of my life

The kind of self inflicted loneliness, cause loneliness is a choice and I choose to shut people out, disconnect myself from them

Procrastination aids my sense of discouragement.

I make excuses, avoid the inevitable.

Irrational things invade my thinking so I can longer think of anything but my fears.

(Freaky thought that I wrote this 4 Years ago yet for some reason never posted it. Yet it is as relevant to me right now.)

Advertisements

Why can’t I cry?

Being trapped in my self protective yet self destructive bubble is cosy and as the days go past I don’t imagine every really feeling again. Maybe I am unable to feel things and it’s for my own good. My usual reactionary emotional responses are now by me who is nonchalant and there’s no hint of emotion or interest behind them. I know I should be the kind of sad people think I am over feeling like I have to finally accept that just cause I thought I loved a man and he never wanted me and is going to marry someone else. In my on way I had dealt with all that a while ago. The rain outside makes me wish I could catch a break from this state I am in and feel like a human again. Crying is my comfort. I want to be a blubbering emotional mess and get it all out, confront and deal with all my insecurities that plague me, find healing from my hurt, forgiveness and believe there’s hope in front of me.

Empty

Empty doesn’t have anything to give anyone. Lost doesn’t see a way out. Lazy doesn’t see a reason to try.

It’s still raining

Today is Saturday. And outside there’s been a steady amount of rain all day. but of course I have not been outside but rather have just seen it through my little window and heard it. I don’t know why I even bother getting out of bed when everyday is just as miserable and pointless as the last. And I know I know it’s my fault it’s not like I’m even trying or even pretending to. I’m just living, I have a pulse I’m breathing but I’m not sure I’m alive.

Like I’ve been for a while I’m not tired but I want to sleep, still don’t really have an appetite and only eat to take up time and to give me something to do. There’s so much time to kill and obsessing over food can occupy a big chunk of the day. I think I wear a permanent frown on my face not that there’s anyone to see it. Is it weird that usually I would be antsy to be around people lonely for a bit of company someone to talk to but I really am not. I could quite happily never talk to anyone again. That’s the purpose of this whole blogging thing anyway, an outlet that’s public yet not seen. Ha! pretty much a description of me! Today my best friend called and I made my way convincingly through small talk and usual Sera folly. I did it for her not me, I don’t need to or want to talk to anyone. She’s too good for me, always has been and I don’t want her to feel bad so I took the call. I think I make quite a convincing fake. Pity it’s not raining inside would be nice to feel something.

It’s only 9:30 and I’m going to sleep. I am not looking forward to tomorrow but I will be glad when today’s over. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I really don’t see the point.

Unspoken

This is like a part 2 cause it’s me and there’s more junk floating around in my head. Sometimes it’s the things left unsaid are even more regretful and life impacting than those which I have spoken. Those words left unspoken when they should not have been. Those times I could’ve seized the opportunity when a genuine loving person gave me the chance to open up. It’s strange how easily family and those ‘closest’ to you can be ignorant or maybe they see they just don’t care? If only I had told her, asked for help, been willing to listen instead of run. But I was ashamed and lazy. I don’t deserve to waste someone’s time to fix something I ought to have fixed myself. My life right now is marred by regret, mistakes, loneliness and my signature pig headed stubborn selfishness. What haven’t I just admitted to what is quite obvious that I am in fact not okay! Things are just getting worse even now. Why can’t I just admit to someone that I am well over my head. I don’t think I am bothered to tread water like this anymore. I have nothing to hold onto nothing to look forward too, no reason to talk to anyone ever again. Lying on the couch writing crappy blog posts to myself, and for what? Temporary relief? A way to feel connected without actually being connected? 2am talking to myself. Right now I can’t see past these days I’ve just been repeating over and over and over again. I’ve been like this for so long it’s just up until now I have been better about hiding it. No longer, now I have decided to hide myself away from people. I’m exhausted but I’m so tired of being like this. I wish I could cry.

Every word

Ordinarily I feel bad enough knowing what I’ve just spoken after words come from my mouth. But thinking back and replaying all the crap that I have said makes me feel sick. I contradict myself with every sentence. I don’t say what I mean or mean what I say. But I remember it all. Knowing what I’ve said and my peculiar way of speaking to people it’s no surprise people don’t want to be around me because even I can’t stand myself! I talk silly like a big mouth fool. I hate the drone of my voice. I’m like a fog horn, a possum outside the window, that annoying dripping tap, and a droning mystery sound in the middle of the night.

I’m all talk no action. I don’t really think before I speak. I talk when I shouldn’t. It’s all the words every backhanded comment I remember. I’m ashamed that I didn’t even try and hide my attitude. For every 1 minute I would’ve clocked up at least a hundred taking about it and another 1000 hours thinking about, obsessing over it. For a prolific and seasoned over-thinker like me having the ability to remember nearly every word that has left my mouth is a curse. I’m never free from just accepting the consequences and moving on. I know the power of negative words spoken over me. And I know that words can never be taken back, no re-dos no opportunity exists to take it back. Damage can be done so quickly. Every word, every single foolish word that has come out of my mouth never forgotten. All the hurtful foolish words. All the destructive hurtful bullying things I say to bring others down so I can feel a moment of being better . For all my big mouth blunders, every hateful things. The things said out of jealousy. My love of pouring gasoline on to the fire when all the while subconsciously believing I wasn’t. Deceit, flattery, All the fillers I thought were harmless and playful but really I wanted to be nasty and make others know what pain feels like. The sarcasm and joking I used to hide my insecurities. Regrets with every word.

 

Waste another day

I used to feel a crippling guilt for squandering my days away for not doing anything with my days. I used to feel guilty and sick to my stomach knowing how much time I have wasted not doing anything when I know I should do something. I still regret these nearly 10 years that have passed with nothing to show. Lying on my bed or on the floor, eating, watching tv and spending hours day and night on YouTube. I’ve ignored and diminished any chance I might have had at real meaningful friendships. I have been to selfish to see the needs of others and I probably will always be alone because of it. I could’ve used my time wisely I maybe could’ve done something productive with my life.

Time is so precious and fleeting. Life itself is so fragile so uncertain, no one is assured of a tomorrow. I’ve been so lazy and I am so lazy. And even if acknowledgement of it is a good sign, knowing this yet not having changed is what makes it bad. What if I strangely actually like being miserable and defeated and that’s the real reason I haven’t changed? Am I that messed up? I’m far too much of a seasoned pro at feeling sorry for myself and my pathetic life to actually do something!

As I write this lying on the floor in my room I can hear rolling thunder and steady rain above me. The sky is an ashy grey. I feel at home in this kind of weather. Even though summer is merely weeks away you wouldn’t know it looking outside. And I hate summer because it means my birthday the biggest reminder at the start of a new year that I am a failure. Another year older and little more bitter and lonely and a whole lot heavier and discouraged. Far away from where I promised myself I’d be by this time.

Once again I finding myself wanting the comfort of tears but not being able too. Still in the strange pleasant numb state I have been in for a few weeks. I sleep around 4 am and eventually get out of bed around 11. I have no desire no drive to get up, even the thought of breakfast doesn’t entice me. And as a fatty foods that’s pretty much what I do with my day.

I’m Ugly

I don’t remember not feeling ugly, feeling like I wasn’t enough just how I am. It’s not to say I’ve always fixated on my ugliness because I haven’t. I’ve not really put in an effort to make my appearance better. I’ve never been a pretty girl, when boys and girls get to the age where they start to notice each other they never noticed me. Even though  I am writing this whole entry around my ugliness it’s not really been something that I have been obsessed with. Which probably is a bit strange since it seems everyone is obsessed with beauty, it’s beyond me how people try and keep up with ever changing beauty standards. But my ugliness isn’t just in my appearance it’s in me it is me. The ugly in me is more than my bushy unkept eyebrows, thick unruly hair, obese body, bad skin, or hairy fat elephant legs. I’m more than just that sort of outward ugly. Actually I need to retract that to the degree that I am wrong on a few accounts, it’s not the physical attributes that makes me ugly – it’s the real important stuff that makes me such a hideous monster. Being overweight or obese doesn’t make someone ugly, I know of lots of absolutely gorgeous women who are also confident, and whose beauty is just in deniable, women with amazing minds, positive attitudes and loving kind eyes. Beauty inside and out.

But when there’s so much ugliness so much anger, bitterness, resentment, hatred and jealousy inside of you it doesn’t remain unseen, and people like me are incapable of hiding it for very long. Ugly people like me make mean hurtful jokes at other people’s expense. I judge with a different measure than I use on myself. I hide the real me and my insecurities (the not so obvious ones) but magnify any flaw I can find in others. Ugly doesn’t know when to stop talking, when to leave things alone. Ugly gives up, it thinks hurtful thoughts about people and it’s wishing harm to come to them. Ugly is being overcome with jealousy that you are overflowing with hatred. Ugly transfers feelings onto others who don’t deserve it. Ugly people try to find the ugliness in others so they can feel better about themselves. It’s not trying to better yourself but just trying to make it look like you are. It’s being negative and dwelling in the dark when you know the light, it’s feeling low and lost and trying to drag others. It’s knowing what you should do but dwelling in the same place. It’s being scared of change because change means hard work and lazy people don’t like to do work. Ugly people become slaves to their ugliness. They feed it and it grows and grows until it becomes in charge of the body. When you’re ugly like me you wear it and try to own it and shrug it off like you couldn’t care less. It’s always being sarcastic or funny to hide the rejection you feel. Ugly is being selfish. Ugly is liking and taking delight in hurting other peoples feelings and feeling like they deserve it for being so perfect. Ugly is taking pleasure in finding out dirt about others even though you’re completely covered in it. Ugly is choosing not to try, not to put an effort in.  Ugly doesn’t love. Ugly feeds off the negative and the self destructive words and thoughts. I’m such an ugly person that knowing I will always be alone means no one will really have to see how ugly I am.

Beauty albeit fake external beauty might be skin deep but my ugliness goes to the soul.  For me it’s not always been about obsessing over skinny intelligent blue eyed blondes bt it’s seeing people who are so beautiful on the inside regardless of the exterior they just carry a beauty with them. People who speak kind encouraging words. The kind of people everyone wants to be around be friends with, kind, thoughtful, hardworking  etc etc the positive person who genuinely loves people but also keeps it real and doesn’t pretend to be perfect. That’s who I am most jealous of, that’s the measure which I use to determine just how ugly I am.

Lists

When I was younger say 16/17 and was more mature. Back when I was filled with ideas about stuff I wanted to do with my life,  how I was going to do my part to save the world. One of the lists I wrote was a list of everything I wanted in a future husband. Let me just say that this wasn’t some naive high school girls fantasy list, it was a thought out mature list and I made made additions to it over the years. I think it was easy for me because I had realistic and not superficial or materialistic expectations. I had the important non-negotiable character qualities and personality traits.

It wasn’t til years later and then again more recently like 2 years ago or so that I finally flipped the list, figured that I should have the same qualities on my list and if I didn’t yet possess them they went on a to-do list. It was sobering to realise that I can’t expect something from someone I don’t even have myself. I don’t know why it took me so long to come to this place and of accepting that no one on earth will tick everything off my list but it was about someone working towards the character qualities I so admired. No one can be perfect. Fast forward a bit and a friend asked me a hammering question that quiet literally going me thinking rationally (if only for a bit but nonetheless eye opening) and stopped me from ever considering pursuing the guy I was interested in. I need to note here before I continue babbling that hindsight has afforded me the insight to see all the subtle yet obvious ways that he was definitely not interested in me at all, but also was too nice and didn’t want to hurt my feelings. But of course I was much too infatuated to see these signs that were so incredibly obvious. It’s not so much that he did or said anything that made me think he was interested but mostly I just thought miracles could happen and hoped for the best.

Nice guys are the ones who will hurt you more even without having to directly confront you. It would’ve been much better had he quietly talked to me and told me he wasn’t interested in me but wanted to be friends. I would’ve cried, I would’ve come to terms with it and I would’ve been able to change those feelings I had for him and instead converted them to the kinda love for a friend rather than you do for someone you’re interested in. I’m not making sense, hmm no surprise though. Hell, I could’ve and probably should’ve just asked him out accepted the rejection and eventually moved on to becoming friends, but of course I didn’t. I remained somewhat hopeful and unrealistic. I regret that I waited too long to get to be friends with him. I lost my chance.

I used to carry my lists around in my bag haha. All the times I looked at them and prayed over and for my future husband. I never did take my own advice and put the effort into building my character into working hard to be a better person. I’m a lazy quitter and I don’t try. I must have some fairy tale ideal that I expect something wonderful and amazing to happen to me without working for it without deserving it.

Right now I’m just glad I’ve learned to do my over sharing on the internet a world where I am anonymous yet not. Hiding but also feeling open and free like I’ve never experienced in real friendships. And better this than sacrificing a forest or two just for me to ramble or whatever the heck I’m doing on this blog in the early hours of the morning.